Feminism en francais

 Dear Friends,

I have up and moved to France. But despite the geographical distance, I will never forget you. Instead, I have decided that we shall become pen palls.

Letters to look forward to:

•  Pictures of me (in a cute dress) on my bike with a basket. Really, what more is there to do in France? And if you question it's relevance to feminism, just you wait.
• Musings on the infamous work of Simone de Beauvoir, hopefully read in French in France.Oh the joys of finally putting my four year plan behind me.
• Thoughts on Strauss-Kahn, also known as the dashed hope of the left (although dashing he wasn't)
• Me peeping out behind the veil of french secularism (pun intended)

So while I become a glutton and consume copious amounts of cheese and wine, let's stay friends. I promise I'll still write you!

Until then,
xoxo
miss emmaline

Catcalling: "Fuck off x 30"

Title Credit: What a good friend had to say about catcalling.

Catcalling- It’s the whistle, the “hey, pretty lady”, or the honk of the horn and the car full of guys. You’ve either seen it, been subjected to it, or participated in it. It’s nothing new and has been around for centuries. For guys, it’s fun and games. And for women, it’s a daily and repetitive nuisance and a threat.

Historically speaking catcalling refers to the “shrill, whistlelike sound or loud raucous shout made to express disapproval at a theater, meeting, etc.” It originated in 1659 as a type of noisemaker, presumably sounding like an angry cat, used to express dissatisfaction in playhouses (Imagine Shakespearean theatre- the raucous crowd, the throwing of tomatoes… you get the picture, right?).

And if you find the origins of words to be important like I do, then the semantics of that definition matters. It points out that catcalling is a rating of a performance. And when used in conjunction with the modern day definition, it means that women are supposedly performing for men…

But hang on a minute… Does that mean that when I walk down the street with my headphones in, on my cell phone or just daydreaming, that I am doing it for men? Does it mean that when I wear a cute skirt, a long skirt, a misshapen skirt or a (insert any adjective) skirt, that men can vocally rate my performance as a woman?

I feel like I’m missing something here because I never consented to raucous shouts from cars filled with boys, from random strangers or from construction works leering from above. I didn’t consent to being reduced to my body and my sexuality.

And that is exactly what catcalling is. It is about the body. It is about sexuality. And it is about objectification. I am more than my legs, my ass or my appearance. And if a guy really wanted to complement me and start a conversation he would start talking to me, not at me. Somehow men have assumed that their yells for affection are appreciated and even desired. They aren’t. Somehow catcallers have mistakenly equated my silence and passivity (aka. walking down the street) as an invitation for more harassment. It isn’t. Instead, those loud whistles and the subsequent shouts are sexual harassment. 

And before I go too far, I do want to point out that most of the men in my life don’t catcall women. Or at least they don’t when I’m around (scary feminist, much?). And if they have, they probably didn’t mean any harm. But life is not just about good intention. The fact of the matter is that when a man “compliments” me while walking down the street, I feel scared, I feel uncomfortable and I feel unable to respond. Perhaps if catcallers took a moment to think about it, they would realize that catcalling is also fear inducing. Most women I know live in a climate of fear. In other words, a rape culture. An unsolicited remark on your sexuality does not make you feel good, it instead falls on the long spectrum of “threat to my personal safety”.

And to be honest, sometimes I might crack a smile because I want to make light of the situation. But that is not condoning or encouraging catcalling- it is instead a result of feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. That is one of the reasons I love Katie Baker’s piece on catcalling. She challenges women to talk back. She states:

“So I have a radical idea: Instead of thinking of all street harassers solely as criminals who deserve penalization and public ridicule, we need to communicate with them about how it feels to be the target of their actions.”

And this is my written version of talking back because I rarely feel comfortable enough to respond, let alone fast enough to have a witty come back.

So next time you see a pretty lady, don’t roll down your window, slow down, honk your horn and yell comments at her. Take some guts and talk to her like a human being and not an inanimate object created for your viewing pleasure. She isn’t and doesn’t like being treated like that. So for once and for all, just treat her like the human being that she is.

Photo Credit: Shakespearean Theatre, Catcallers, and a Cat Calling.

Don't Be That Guy

"I hear about the rapes one by one by one by one by one, which is also how they happen. Those statistics are not abstract to me. Every three minutes a woman is being raped. Every eighteen seconds a woman is being beaten. There is nothing abstract about it. It is happening right now as I am speaking.

And it is happening for a simple reason. There is nothing complex and difficult about the reason. Men are doing it, because of the kind of power that men have over women. That power is real, concrete, exercised from one body to another body, exercised by someone who feels he has a right to exercise it, exercised in public and exercised in private. It is the sum and substance of women's oppression."

- An excerpt from Andrea Dworkin's speech at the Midwest regional conference of the National Organization for Changing Men, in the fall of 1983. (Dworkin, 2005, p. 14)

In a recent paper on legal consent, I started with the above quotation by the very contentious feminist Andrea Dworkin. While I don’t agree with much of her politics, I do love how she centred men in the equation. She made an argument about sexual assault that leaves no questions about why it happens: It happens because men feel that they have the inherent right to rape women.

Changing the conversation from analyzing women’s actions to focusing on those of men is an extremely important shift. Current campaigns such as the Don’t Be That Guy Campaign (aka. all photos in this post) embody this perspective. Hopefully you will start seeing these ads in bars and clubs in downtown Vancouver (and let me know if you see them and tell me what you think!). They deconstruct rape myths that blame women. They emphasize that sex without consent is sexual assault. They tell guys not to be that guy.

But I must admit, I wish it went farther than that. I wish it focused on language, actions (or inaction) and the ways in which those maintain rape culture, as well. But there’s only so much an ad campaign can do (and this one is kick ass).

And if you were scratching your head, wondering what exactly a rape culture is, well just keep reading!

***

Definition of Rape Culture:

A la Wikipedia:

"A culture in which rape and sexual violence against women are common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media condone, normalize, excuse, or tolerate sexual violence against women"

A la Shakesville:

"In a rape culture both women and men assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable as death or taxes... Rape culture encourages male sexual aggression... Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women's daily movements... Rape culture is victim blaming... Rape culture is tasking victims with the burden of rape culture... Rape culture is encouraging women to take self-defense as though that is the only solution required to preventing rape... Rape culture is admonishing women to "learn common sense" or "be more responsible" or "avoid those places" or "don't dress this way" and failing to admonish men to not rape."

***

And I say this, because in my experience, talking to men about rape is a tricky business. It is a conversation that makes people uncomfortable, on edge and eventually defensive. People don’t want to talk about it when it comes up and it tends to be a conversation stopper. There is an awkward silence and then someone will pipe up “Well, I would never rape anyone”.

And that is the response that I have a problem with. Saying “I’m innocent” doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t challenge the status quo and it doesn’t contest rape myths. And if you think that I’m going to give you a pat on the back for being a good boy, you have got to be kidding me.

Instead, I find that this logic is a huge part of the problem. It is a statement that rids the majority of men (and women) from any responsibility. It makes them feel good about themselves and allows them to distance themselves from the ways in which they maintain the rape culture that they are supposedly not a part of.

But we are all a part of it. This rape culture is our culture. Perhaps we have not been raped, or we have not raped anyone but we are still involved in it. We still have it’s logic ingrained in our heads and acted out in our day-to-day lives. That is the power of rape culture- it is invisible, yet everywhere.

So rather then telling me that you would never rape anyone, tell me something constructive. Tell me the ways that you are going to stop objectifying women. Tell me that you will stop using the language of rape in jokes (“scream like you’re getting raped” will never be funny or acceptable). Tell me that instead of being silent you are going to start speaking out when people make hurtful and offensive comments about consent and sexual assault.

And even then, I might not pat you on the back. I want this type of reaction to be the norm. I want to take it for granted that when someone tells me "don't get raped tonight" that everyone will protest. I want women and men to take an active role in fighting our rape culture. Women have been taking the responsibility for long enough, and it is time that we were joined by the other half of the equation.

All Photo Credits to the Don't Be That Guy Campaign which is a partnership between WAVAW (Women Against Violence Against Women/Rape Crisis Centre), BC Women's Hospital and Health Centre, Battered Women's Support Services (BWSS), Bar Watch, and the Vancouver Police Department. Check it out!

p.s. This campaign originated in Edmonton, in the coalition Sexual Assault Voices of Edmonton (SAVE).

Where’s the choice in choosing Mrs. “His Name”?

“A wife should no more take her husband’s name than he should hers. My name is my identity and must not be lost”
- Lucy Stone (1818-1893), the first American woman to retain her own surname after marriage

My grandma told me a story the other day. She told me about the first time she was referred to as Mrs. Betty Unger instead of Mrs. Harold Unger. She still remembers that moment proudly. It was in the late 40’s in rural Manitoba.

That story, among others, has got me thinking about the power of a name. Recently, I’ve had visceral reactions to seeing women I know change their name after marriage. I see it on facebook, on email or just the signature on cards. And for some reason, I am utterly dismayed that it is still happening. In my limited experience, it has been rare for the woman to keep her name, and unheard of for the man to change his. And according to statistics, 90% of women continue to take their husband’s name in the United States. Sometimes I think that it’s a modern day version of Mrs. Harold Unger but now it’s framed in the rhetoric of choice and mutual decisions.

Historically, a woman’s last name was a way of knowing whom she belonged to. In other words, her name identified her as the possession of a man- be it her father, her brother, her uncle or her husband. My grandmother was called Mrs. Harold Unger because she was only a person in relation to my grandfather- legally, socially and economically.

And whether we like it or not, there is power in a name and the decision that came with it. There is power in the history that the name brings with it, and the history that will follow. Without a name, it is as if their identity and their past and future history never existed. Call me radical, but I think the problem is patriarchy.

But what I am most interested in is how patriarchy works in the specific moment when the decision is made. It is the moment where there are countless possibilities but only one is chosen. Why is that choice made in that moment?

And of course every discussion ends with choice. “I chose to take his name- it was a mutual decision”. And sure, if you take it at face value it’s true. But how is it that almost every woman I know has had to make concessions but not the man. And was it mutual or was it just easier and more expected? Perhaps it was too much trouble or just too much to ask of him.

So when people tell me it was a mutual choice, I disagree. I want to emphasize the fact that this choice is instead framed by the tradition of names and history (and I do mean His-Story). It is rooted in patriarchy and it is based on the assumption that women will continue to make concessions and compromises that men are unwilling to make. ***

So if you make that choice to take his name, I will respect it and honour it. But I will not pretend that I don’t believe that it is based on an unequal relationship between men and women that has been going on forever. I will not pretend that I think it’s great because it makes me uneasy to see how patriarchy works in such small and almost mundane ways. “Rather, such a choice should truly be a choice and not a product of legislative and social constraints based on an antiquated conception of women as second-class citizens” (Sneider, 2009, p. 587). But as Roiphe states,

“The truth is there is something unsatisfying about either the bride or groom giving up their name. There is in the creation of a family a kind of uncomfortable and thrilling blending of identity, a difficult obliteration of the distinct self; in short, it's one of those nuanced, emotional moments that rarely fit into the categories rigidly set out by the purest forms of feminist ideology”

And I agree. But I don’t think that means that the automatic answer it to conform to history and tradition- a tradition that privileges one sex over the other. In any case, I invite you to think about it, on this blog or elsewhere. I urge you to research the countless possibilities regarding name change. I ask you to think about the power that comes with a name.

I have and I don’t think that I will change my tune (if marriage is in my cards, that is). I am who I am. And although who I am is caught up in a tradition of male lineage, I am ending that in my own way. There have been enough centuries where there has been no other choice. Instead, I will pass down my name to my children and a compromise will have to occur between my partner and myself (if I have kids, of course). But I am not going to pretend that it isn’t significant, that it doesn’t tell a story of power and privilege because it does. There is power in a name, and I plan on using it.


*** On that note, I continue to be frustrated with double standards. A man is not amazing, phenomenal or anything special if he thinks about changing his name. It should be standard; it should be normal. Women have done it for centuries so why can’t they? And if they offer it, they better damn well be ready to actually change it. Otherwise it is merely talk. And as the saying goes, don’t talk the talk unless you can walk the walk. Otherwise it’s just a slap in the face.

Random Facts of marital name change:

• In Canada, you can use your maiden or your married name interchangeably at any point in your life without going through a legal name change.
  
• In contrast, in 42 of the American states men are required to obtain a court order in order to change their last name. The exceptions are California, Georgia, Hawaii, Iowa, Louisiana, Massachusetts, New York and North Dakota. Whereas women have the statutory right in all of the U.S. to change their last name upon marriage (See Sneider, 2009).
• 3 million women each year in the United States take on the name of their husband (90% of women who get married annually).
• Name change options include: Wife's surname, husband's surname, hyphenated surname, melded surname, new surname, use wife/husband's surname as a middle name (See The Lucy Stone League).
  

The stories we tell about rape

Today I am going to dive in with a subject that at times brings me to tears but also fills me with enraged passion. I am still left with the dream that things can and will change. And I hold onto this dream tightly.

I am writing to you about rape, consent and the stories we tell about it. I am responding to the countless stories I hear about rape. These stories blame women for their “slutty” appearance, their lack of vigilance, and their “irresponsible” actions. These stories tell us that some professions, certain races or classes of people are more deserving of rape. They tell you that rape is your fault and that you could have prevented it from happening.

We all hear these stories about rape. We hear them on the news, in newspapers, and during conversations with friends. Some are implicit while others remain explicit in the story they tell about rape.

You might tell me that these are just stories. And yes. They are stories. They are stories about rape, about women, and about consent. But these are stories that have also become understood as the Truth. They have been validated in the Law through legal discourse and precedent. They have been repeated in media and imprinted in the minds of women and men, and society at large but these are not innocent stories. They are important because what people say about rape and consent have real concrete implications and consequences for women. They impact the way women feel following a rape, they impact the conviction rate of rapists and they impact the percentage of women who report to the police. Lastly, and most importantly, they erase the fact that rape is perpetrated by men against women, and that rape is never a woman’s fault. Re-telling these stories reinforces, perpetuates and validates rape myths and rape against women.

And I do not claim to be immune from these stories we tell about rape and consent. I fall into the trap of believing them and reinforcing them with my language and my actions. I blame the girls in the short skirts and high heels when they complain about unwanted male attention. I ask myself- don’t they know better?
I know that I should be more scared when I go drinking with friends than when I walk home alone at night. I should be more scared in my own home with loved ones, relatives or acquaintances because over 80% of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone you know. Despite this, it is when I walk home alone when my heart pounds and it is only when I close the door behind me that I feel safe. Somehow we have all learned to believe these myths with gusto. Somehow I have learned that home is safe, despite the fact that the majority of abuse and violence perpetrated against women occurs in the home. But I believe these myths because if anything happened, I would be blamed. So I have learned to be vigilant- I call cabs or friends walk me home (and thank you for doing that- it means oh so much to me). But that still doesn’t solve the problem of rape.



So stories are important. They impact all of our lives. They will impact the one in four women in Canada who will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. That means that there is a good chance that some of your female friends, acquaintances or family members will be raped or have already been. But maybe you won’t hear about it. Because talking about rape means talking about blame and shame. It means talking about what you did wrong and how you could have prevented it. So the stories we tell about rape are real, important and matter in all of our lives. Victim blaming is never acceptable. Instead, the stories we tell need to put rapists at the heart of the problem because rape is never a woman’s fault.

Photo credits: Garneau Sisterhood